For the first time since starting Shiva Nata, I had been able to think of an intention that I was emotionally invested in.  I have struggled with this before, though I’m still not sure exactly why that is, so it was great to finally find myself with a question that I felt I could use Shiva Nata with.  The intention was to understand what I got out of the hours I was spending online before going to bed.  I’d realised that my constructive part of the day tended to end around dinner time and I would then spend hours online which often resulted in me feeling frustrated with myself, yet I had a real sense of getting something out of this time that I couldn’t quite identify.

Visions

During shavasana I had a little vision/thought about feeding the rabbits grain, rather than vegetables.  I was annoyed at Glyn for not just ditching the grain and feeding a mix of veg instead.  As my awareness came back to my thoughts I started to think “oops I’ve gone off on one” but for some reason, rather than let go that thought and come back to blankness, I was drawn to go back and look at the story that had played out.  I noticed that there was a message to the story: that change, even when easy and with obvious benefits, can be resisted simply because of inertia.  I thought about my intention: I am resisting the change to my sleep patterns.  Now this statement was being touted by one part of my brain as obvious, it was simply a restatement of the question ‘Why don’t I want to go to bed?’ but I know that a rewording can bring powerful insight and understanding so I paid attention and realised that the key phrase was ‘I am resisting the change’.  So I sat up, grabbed my large journaling pad and wrote “I notice that I am resisting the change to my sleep cycle.”  What followed blew me away.

Epiphanies!

I had nine, count them – nine, epiphanies in the 3 A4 pages of writing that followed.  It was one per paragraph at one point!

Going forward

This is what I’ve been looking for in my practice.  A way to access understanding around an area.  It’s taken me a long time to be able to get the different pieces in place:

• a real intention that I’m focussed on with emotion
• a strong practice that challenges me (I did Levels 3, 4 and half of 5)
• an understanding of when I’ve reached the point to stop (brain fog just starting to really kick in – before I’ve pushed through this and totally flatlined my brain for no extra benefits)
• being able to listen to my thoughts in meditation afterwards
• following my intuition within the meditation practice, not just going for silence but hearing the message
• knowing when to follow that message into my journaling
• feeling comfortable in how to journal and record the thoughts that come to me in a safe way, knowing which routes are dead ends and which are the path to follow

I feel like I’ve reached the next level up after plateauing for so long.  I was truly skeptical I could go any further – I’m so grateful that I’ve gave it one more try!

I had a bit of a ‘grey’ day today.  I didn’t really feel like I was getting anywhere with anything.  I am lucky enough to have a group of friends that get together to talk and help each other out on Wednesday evenings and was able to share how I was feeling.  They gave me some perspective but I was still feeling low.

[I'm thinking that this might be a warning sign that some serious epiphanies are building up and about to burst!  I wonder if there's a smoother way to deal with that?]

So I listened to one of Havi’s Emergency Calming Technique recordings, and was able to shift my mindset but I was still not feeling energetic or productive (my energies were being stored up for the ‘big showdown’!)  So I whittled the evening away on Twitter, RSS and email.

The thought that triggered it happened just as you were about to go to bed

I was listening to a meditation at 3am and realised that I had fallen asleep twice during it, so I decided that perhaps now was a good time to go to bed.  As I shut everything down and got ready to go upstairs, I set my alarm for yoga the next day when suddenly…

It came when you weren’t looking for it

I had the most tiny, innocuous thought creep into my brain.  No lead up in my mental chit-chat.  It just bounced in, as some ideas do, so I went to quickly jot it down before going to bed.  Only this quick thought suddenly turned out to be a bit bigger – so I got a plain sheet of paper and got ready to scribble.  Only it suddenly reminded me of some other stuff I had read, so I went and go that back up on the computer.  Finally, I’ve joined a few dots in my head and I start to scribble some of the basics onto my sheet of paper.

Your pen can’t keep up with your brain

It doesn’t take long for the A4 sheet to get full, and there’s little arrows and circling and stars and exclamation marks.  I realise I’m going to need a bigger boat piece of paper and settle into my comfy chair to scribble some more.

(Almost) all the different ideas that crop up just fit together perfectly

This flow of ideas just keeps coming, I ponder on one area for a little while, jot some thoughts and suddenly connections to lots of other areas are shouting at me: “Look!  See this?  Isn’t it obvious?!”  A couple of trains of thought feel a little bit like wishful 4am thinking, but I’m pretty much on fire right now, so I’m able to spot those, check them out and weed them out appropriately.  Or at least, I hope so – I may feel completely differently once I’ve actually slept which is why I’m writing this now.  I can’t back out and pretend it didn’t happen tomorrow if I’ve told you all about it!

You’re still going at 6.30am

So it’s hit 6.30 am, and I can hear an alarm clock going off (not mine) and I’m starting to think that astanga yoga in 4 hours may be pushing it.  The idea seems to have finally worked it’s way out (complete with a points scoring system, a flow chart diagram, ordered categories and a set of next steps) and everything feels like it’s starting to slow down from warp speed.

You happen to have clicked with that bit you were struggling with that morning

Oh yeah, did I mention…I managed to work through the Level 3 arms this morning without having to sound them out (more to follow on this after I’ve slept!).  It just started to make sense today…

A conversation in my head

Me: Oh yes! I’m just starting to see the patterns and everything and wow I did that whole round (i.e. from one starting position – wonder off – get back ok – 16 positions in total) without getting stuck.  Yippee!

Voice of Havi (i.e. me when I’m honest): Oh, well done.  Now you get to do something harder!

Me: But…! But I’ve not really finished this one yet, I mean it’s starting to make sense, but I’m not whizzing through it all easily yet.

Voice of Havi: Ah, yes.  But you know that if you keep doing this now it’ll just be training muscles, not the brain.

Me: I don’t know that! It *might* be.

Voice of Havi: Uh, no!  In just the few weeks you’ve been doing it you’ve seen how the results became purely physical (fluidity of movement, muscle memory of the movements, building up speed) when you got past the hurdle and started to understand the process.  Remember, it’s not a piece of choreography you’re trying to learn here.  Change it up when you start to get to that point.

Me: But…! But I want to feel good whizzing my arms around and feeling smug.

Voice of Havi: I know, and that’s ok.  You’re allowed to feel that way.  Just remember that you’re not getting the results you want when you do that.

Me: Awwwww, I don’t want to.  That’s no fun…

Voice of Havi: …

Me: Oh, ok.  So I know that it’s even more fun when I get epiphanies and stuff.  Though sometimes I need a break from new ones.  Then I can focus on the physical side of it and be all “Yey, look at me!”  For a little while.

Me: I still don’t want to though.  But I’m gonna try being ok with that.  Not feeling guilty about it.  Just noticing it.  And then I’m going to do a bit of a practice, maybe just a little bit more of the same, as a pressie to myself for being all notice-y and non-guilt-pushing.  Yay me!

Me: Say.  Was that just an epiphany?!

I kept getting stuck, and I mean like completely and totally, my brain has frozen, why am I stood here with my arms both in horizontal 1 stuck.  I was trying to work through the Level 3 arms – without the DVD, because that just annoys me by going either too slow or too fast depending on whether I’m in the flow or having to work out each step in turn.

My practice habits

I have a habit about how I practice! Yes, it’s a brand new habit, developed whilst I was practicing Shiva Nata – can you believe it!

I don’t say the numbers out loud, they tend to distract me because my arms can work out what they’re doing at Level 1 and 2 without my mouth getting involved.  It’s actually easier for me to do the arms (with or without legs) without saying anything for these.  But at Level 3 this habit failed me!

Trying something new

So, without realising about the habit thing at first, I started talking myself through it (that being another habit of mine – I think best out loud).  One-one, two-two, two-two, three-one, one-three, two-four, four-two, one-one, three-three, ….  Suddenly, the little mini-patterns appear in what I’m saying (even though my arms are convinced that the whole thing is just one great big long random jumble).  Sometimes I say one thing but my arms do another and I’m able to see where I’ve gone wrong because my arms don’t feel like two-four but my mouth knows that two-four is next.  Quick check and ah-yes, I’ve made a mistake, but I’ve spotted it!  I’m aware, I’m conscious of it – this is most excellent, because now I can choose what to do next instead.  (Oh the symmetry!)

The idea for when you’re in a sticky patch

If you find yourself getting stuck and not getting past where you are try changing around whether you do one or both of the moving and the talking.  So if you tend to do one of the following, try another:

• Just do the arms in silence (or with music)
• Talk your way through the sequence moving your arms at the same time
• Just talk through the sequence without moving

What have you tried when you’ve got stuck, and did it help?  Are you stuck now – can you give this a try and let us know how it went for you?

I noticed tonight that when I start to work on something and I start to see that I’m being challenged and get into the flow, then I get the urge to push, and push, and push, in order to stay in the flow for as long as possible.

In fact, my tendancy to stay up late until something is finished (like, oh, say, I don’t know, this blog?) comes from this same place.  But I’ve known for a long time that it doesn’t always result in my best work (I’ve caught several spelling and grammar mistakes in my early posts already – find any that I missed?)  as well as leaving me feeling tired, run down, burnt out and even resentful towards the very thing that was causing my state of flow in the first place!

But this evening I caught myself at it whilst doing some journaling.  Even more importantly, I was able to stop.  I’ve previously watched the small hours creep past before somehow unable to stop myself from pushing forwards even though there’s a small voice at the back of my head crying out for me to go to bed.

My current theory is that a fear of not finding this state again usually keeps me pushing through, long after I’m able to produce high quality work, much like the image of flogging a dead donkey.

As an aside, this wasn’t like the other ways I have caught myself having a breakthrough from Shiva Nata, but I’m starting to see that they come in a number of ways.  (Yes, a post on this is in the pipeline).

And with my new power of knowing when to stop, watch me put it into practice.

G’night!

I was on twitter recently and found out that maybe I wasn’t pushing myself as hard with Shiva Nata as I really ought to be to get the full benefits.  As I mentioned before, I was wanting to get on with Level 3 but chose to work through Level 2 first.

Well this week I finally started working on Level 3 and it’s official – Shiva Nata is now royally kicking my butt!

Moving up a Level really made a difference

The odd combination of pride and concern at finding Levels 1&2 quite so straightforward to pick up has been replaced by the gleeful sorrow that I get every time I finish a phrase and realise that I finished in a completely different position to the one I started in.  Not just once, but over and over and over and over again!  I’ve stood there going painfully slowly through just the one phrase (usually something with a starting position of 2:3 or 3:4 on the right hand side) but my brain seems to stubbornly trick me each and every time and refuse to let me finish where I started!  It’s brilliant!

I honestly had no idea that my brain could even do this to me – just slip these little errors in under the radar.

Can it make me a better dancer?

I can now see how, with practice, I’ll be able to spot patterns of mine that had not been challenged at the earlier levels and start to get more conscious control over my body-mind connection.

As a dancer there’s a lot that happens on auto-pilot due to constraints on what you can focus on at any one time.  For example, sometimes a foot or arm will lose focus and detract from the movement or require the dancer to compensate (e.g. lack of balance).  This auto-pilot requirement is part of why technique is so riguorously practised.  However, I am much more interested in less technical and more improvisational dance.  This requires a much greater state of flow, rather than control, and as such I am very interested to see if Shiva Nata will contribute to this state of flow whilst maintaining the high level of control still required.

Finding the mid-point between comfort and stress

Feeling the change from learning the basics and starting to push my practice outside of my current abilities lead me to think about a post at Emma’s Tao of Prosperity blog where she introduced an idea to me that built on the idea of a comfort zone, whilst also explaining why you can push yourself too hard, too fast.  Basically, she draws it as 3 circles (which I’ve adapted slightly below):

The Three Zones: Comfort, Learning & Stress

So from my story above I would say that I have moved from the comfort to the learning zone with my Shiva Nata practice.  The trick for me now is to keep it between Comfort and Stress.  Which leads me on to my latest epiphany.

I watched it again today (October 12) and this time I could see what each of the arms and legs were doing if I watched it carefully.  Not so scary now.  Now I’m just determined that one day I’ll be able to do it that fast too!

Lessons learnt

Don’t worry that the experts can do it better than you.  That’s why they’re experts!

If you want to compare – compare with yourself from when you started.  Now that’s uplifting.

Reminder of the day

The idea is to keep pushing yourself with this stuff.

Lessons Learnt

Let yourself start off slowly and build momentum.

Forgive yourself if you’re not doing a perfect daily practice from the start.

Breathe!

So far, I’ve read through Havi’s Starter Kit stuff info watched the Theory section for Level 1 (yeah!  I’m a geek, I love theory!) and played around with the arm sequences for Level 1.  I’ve done a total of 4 Shiva Nata practice play sessions and BANG! it’s epiphany time.

Seriously – it’s that quick – jeepers!

The way it went

We had a big roast dinner (yum!) and so I had a kip afterwards and then in the evening (uh-oh!) did some more playing around.

First off – it totally helps me to get clearer on what is running around in my head at the time.  So it turns my foggy brain (which leads to low moods and self-esteem) into understanding as to what is behind the fog.  This in itself is life-changing for me.  Whenever I’m having foggy head you can guarantee that I’ll find myself a space to start going through the latest sequence.

Then I went to bed.  Thing is, my brain was now totally engaged and I ended up spending 3 hours writing notes that kept cropping up as I started to drop off.  Somewhat frustrating (very frustrating for Glyn who was trying to sleep with me clicking on and off a little light to write by) but ultimately worth the reduced amount of sleep (both of ours).  I could probably have let myself drift off at this point, but I was so taken aback by the quality and quantity that I didn’t dare stop in case I lost them.

Lessons learnt

1. When writing about what I’m thinking, be specific!  All I wrote in my journal was “got clearer understanding on what was bugging me” – but not what it was that was actually bothering me!  Oh dear, now I’ll have to have that lesson again another time.
2. Shiva Nata in the evening may see the results kick in as I’m ready for bed (the whole brain buzz as I drop off combining with Shiva Nata to be a pretty powerful force)!  Could be useful if I don’t need to worry about getting up the next day.
3. [Later experience tells me that] I can always get fresh insights at a more appropriate time – Shiva Nata keeps delivering.  So I don’t need to worry about capturing everything!

Have you had your first epiphany?  What was it like?  Did it catch you off guard?  Scare you?  Amaze you?  Leave you underwhelmed or disappointed?  Please share your story below.