It wasn’t working.  I really needed an epiphany and I was getting nowhere fast.  So it was time to really up the ante.  This evening I did a monster practice as follows:

1. The entire series for Level 3, using 8 different words for the 4 horizontal and 4 vertical positions (H: Clarity, Awareness, Intuition, Heart; V: Blissful, Energised, Peaceful, Synchronised – these were targeted as I was after some answers around what made me happy).  With my eyes closed.  And my feet off the floor.  (Yep, I was falling about all over the place).
2. Followed immediately by a super quick run through of all of Level 2 with eyes open and feet off the floor.
3. Followed immediately by a super quick run through of Level 1, saying the positions at speed, with my eyes closed and feet off the floor.

I really wanted an answer, ok.

The result

I had originally just decided to do the first part, but even though I slowed right down at times and was constantly falling over, I still wasn’t getting that brain stuck moment.  [Ok, I finally caved.  I've emailed Havi (or rather marissa, I hope someone gets it anyway) and have asked for the info for the higher levels.]  So I decided to keep pushing and quickly made up parts 2 and then 3.

Same result.  The odd stumble.  The occasional realisation that the sequence was a little off and start that section again, but no complete brain-freeze stuckness.

[Disclaimer: I'm sorry if this seems like bragging, or rubbing it in to anyone reading who might be struggling with Level 1, but I'm trusting you to understand that my motivation here is simply to express where I'm at with the practice, and not to try and make me feel big with it, or you feel small.]

What next?

Well, I have a couple of ideas:

• Let it be known that I want to take it further and see what info comes my way – DONE
• Make up something completely freaking crazy, like a pattern that never comes back to where it starts, or does so only after 64 moves or something like that – TO DO

I figure I’ll give plan A bit of time to kick in before launching plan B.  Either way, could be interesting.

So I tried Level 3 normal with my eyes closed yesterday (or at least, it was recently, given my current sleeping patterns words like yesterday start to get a bit confusing).  It turns out that it was just enough to get me wobbling and having to work on my balance without actually knocking me over – it was quite a giggle until I smashed my hand into the lampshade (no damage to either, thankfully) but the resultant dust cloud was not much fun.  I still managed to get through Level 3 in total in less than 15 minutes though, and there were some chunks where I just whizzed through the moves without even knowing what my arms were doing, it just felt right and ended up in the right place.  So definitely just an arm workout there then (well, that and a way to get a few seconds of smug mode).

Today I did it with quarter turns.  Now I’m still doing the simple legs here (no room indoors to do the squares and hell no I am not going out in the current weather!) so it did give me pause for thought as I tried to work out what to do.  For starters I suddenly realised that I wasn’t sure whether I was supposed to turn one way all the time, or swap, and if so when, but figuring that I could just make one up so long as I stuck with it and gave it a go, that’s what I did.

My quarter turn version involved me going towards my left shoulder on the left side and my right shoulder on the right.  It actually creates quite a nice little pattern when you add the legs as well, but after the first couple of rotations I had started to get it down, so that little stickler lasted about 5 minutes.

Now, I realise that the above could constitute bragging, and I will admit that a part of me is kind of impressed with itself that I can chuck these challenges at myself and still keep going through Level 3 without too much trouble, but the point here is to go horribly wrong.  So either I’m approaching it completely incorrectly (for the benefits that I want) or I need to up the level.  Me thinks we know the answer to this one, but I’m enjoying playing around with the different tricks for upping the challenge at the moment, so no need to panic.  My thinking is that this way I’ll have an idea of how they work when I really need them at later levels.

Next comes a side that I think may have more success at mucking me up: where I get my voice involved.  Most of the time my practice will be in silence, or me huffing and puffing, or my humming a little random ditty (a definite sign that it’s not doing it’s thing).  But if I try and say the patterns then I have to go a lot slower (it just takes more time to say 2:3 than it does to move my arms) – again, we’ll see.

The self doubt kicks in again

Ok, at this point I’m still feeling that little voice at the back of my head saying “Who do you think you are?  You think you’re soo good at this don’t you?  Well you’re not!  If Havi saw you she’d laugh and then never talk to you again for pretending to be doing it properly when you’re really just wasting your time.”  I don’t like this voice very much.

I mean, I don’t feel like I’ve completely conquered Level 3 like I have Level 2, but at the same time there’s no stuckness even when I try and up the ante.  For now I persevere.

So I tried the breathing technique with my two variations for Level 3 and actually managed to get completely stuck on the 2nd variation, but this I think had more to do with the fact that I was feeling very frazzled and off centre, so I was struggling to get my thoughts together.  Still, that might not be a bad time to get some Shiva Nata help, so hopefully it’s doing it’s thing in the background.

Certainly over the course of Friday evening and today I managed to notice when I was having a freak out moment, see where I was getting my buttons pushed and stop myself from spiralling off, so I’m feeling good about myself (even though I did still have a freak out moment and get my buttons pushed!)

After the Shiva Nata for 10 minutes on Friday my brain was still a bit of a mess, but taking a full 20 minutes to relax, calm down and focus on just my breathing (I use one of Havi’s suggestions from the Starter Kit) I actually managed to turn it around, which was such a freaking awesome feeling!  Oh yes, I am in charge of my mental space!  Booya!  hehehe

Well, ok, control isn’t maybe the right word, but being able to find that calm space inside me to then be able to go and write out a load of pages and get the mess out of my head and onto paper certainly beats getting dizzy with all the thoughts running through my head, which is what was happening beforehand.

Still think that Level 3 has been beat, but since I can use it to trip me up when I’m in a mess it acts as a good barometer for the moment, until I get better at noticing where I am at from day to day (and moment to moment).  When Havi has rested from her little yoga retreat and I’ve got further in this trial I may try picking her brains for more info however.

Level 3 actually seemed easier today with the breathing.  That’s kind of crazy, but it certainly felt like I wasn’t really having to think about where to move to next and could just concentrate on my breathing practice.  I totally ‘zenned’ out, letting the different patterns run around, and again no total stuckness here, though there were a couple of mistaken end positions.

Given how easy I found the arms today, I am thinking that Level 3 has been well and truly conquered, but until I get more info on the other levels I might as well keep going with this trial and see what comes up.  If nothing else, I’ll find some good ways to mix up other levels too and have some fun with the practice.

The intention was around asking my unconscious to give me a sign as to whether I really have ‘mastered’ Level 3, or if I’m kidding myself.  And ok, it’s come up in my head a couple of times, but so far I’ve not had anything revelatory – but that’s ok, I’m patient (well, no, I’m not, but I’m trying to be here, ok).

Today’s Shiva Nata was my second variation of Level 3 starting from the right.  I got further than yesterday, but I did actually end up in the wrong place a couple of times.  Still didn’t completely halt and give in, like I was doing when I first tried Level 3, but also I’ve been limiting myself to 10 minutes, because I’ve found previously that if I do much more I end up getting completely exhausted, and as it is I’m already spending more time in bed again just after yesterday (plus I did like 45 minutes of improvised dance and another 5 mins of Level 2 to warm up before that in the evening, so yeah, it’s not exactly a surprise).

Well, there you are, just keeping you all up to date, and thanks again to Duff for his cool suggestion.  Tomorrow we start trying funny breathing – here’s hoping I don’t pass out!

On 11 January I started a 27 day trial at mixing up Level 3 to see if I really had ‘mastered’ it or whether I was conning myself into thinking that so I could have a pity party and generally feel superior and sorry for myself all at once (oh yes, that’s an achievement in itself, right?!)

Well, 12 January I stopped.  It turns out what I needed was some time off from all that, after my last trial which I did on my other blog.  The holiday is over now (in a looking-forward-to-what-comes-next way, since I get to decide it’s over, rather than in a oh-my-god-now-I-have-to-return-to-work way) and after a forum discussion around Shiva Nata and thanks to my tendency to want to finish something that I’ve started (not always a bonus, but if I approach it consciously it can be a good way to self-motivate) I’ve decided to get it going again today.

So, without further ado, here is Day 2 of my 27 day trial (with no promise that the other 25 days will continue consecutively from this one, but that’s the intention).

Today’s session was 10 minutes of my first alternate to Level 3 starting with the right side first.

Did I get stuck?

Nope, not really.  I started off a lot slower than I finished, but I didn’t really have any complete blank moments where I just couldn’t work out where I was or where I was going.  I did end up in the wrong position after one set of 4 repetitions, but a second attempt corrected that, and I did have one point where I wasn’t completely sure of where I was in the routine, but letting my body go with what felt right sorted that out for me (a dancer’s trick when you realise half-way through a routine that you haven’t a clue what you’re doing, but your body seems to be getting on with it anyway – just don’t panic and you’re fine!)

Intention

As usual, I didn’t have one, I just go through the practice with the mild intention that the patterns do their thing and that I start to notice more of what’s going on in my head.  During the relaxation afterwards (a full 20 mintues, no skimping here) I did give myself the intention of trying to figure out where some anger I’d had recently was coming from, and my mind wandered through a few different scenarios in my head (some completely unrelated to this) whilst I was lying there (the best bit of the whole process, IMHO).  I didn’t reprimand myself for that, I just brought my awareness to what was happening rather than letting myself mindlessly daydream.  I’ve decided that seeing what comes up in these wanderings is useful, so it’s not about stopping them but rather paying attention to them.  That way if something presents which is turning into a downward, negative spiral, I can step in and stop that, but if it’s telling me something useful I can see what comes up.  If it’s just silly or distracting I can bring my awareness back to my body, breathing and feelings and restart the process.

Thoughts on the whole thing so far

Well, I don’t suppose tomorrow’s (variation 2 starting on the right) is going to be particularly stickyfying either, but then I’ve spent 20+ years practicing being able to take any movement and repeat it mirror-reflection style in dance classes, so that practice is pretty much embedded in my head already.  Does this mean that Shiva Nata won’t hold as much possibility for growth for me as someone else (as Duff alluded to in a comment on a previous post)?  I don’t know, but given that this is a practice, rather than an achievement, that I actually find accessible, at this point it doesn’t matter.  It may prove to be my perfect thing, it may prove to just be a doorway to another, more challenging, practice that takes me deeper, but the only place I can act is in the here and now, and right now there’s no difference between either of these scenarios, so I might as well just let whatever is going to happen happen, and keep practicing so as I can see how it will all turn out!