For the first time since starting Shiva Nata, I had been able to think of an intention that I was emotionally invested in.  I have struggled with this before, though I’m still not sure exactly why that is, so it was great to finally find myself with a question that I felt I could use Shiva Nata with.  The intention was to understand what I got out of the hours I was spending online before going to bed.  I’d realised that my constructive part of the day tended to end around dinner time and I would then spend hours online which often resulted in me feeling frustrated with myself, yet I had a real sense of getting something out of this time that I couldn’t quite identify.

Visions

During shavasana I had a little vision/thought about feeding the rabbits grain, rather than vegetables.  I was annoyed at Glyn for not just ditching the grain and feeding a mix of veg instead.  As my awareness came back to my thoughts I started to think “oops I’ve gone off on one” but for some reason, rather than let go that thought and come back to blankness, I was drawn to go back and look at the story that had played out.  I noticed that there was a message to the story: that change, even when easy and with obvious benefits, can be resisted simply because of inertia.  I thought about my intention: I am resisting the change to my sleep patterns.  Now this statement was being touted by one part of my brain as obvious, it was simply a restatement of the question ‘Why don’t I want to go to bed?’ but I know that a rewording can bring powerful insight and understanding so I paid attention and realised that the key phrase was ‘I am resisting the change’.  So I sat up, grabbed my large journaling pad and wrote “I notice that I am resisting the change to my sleep cycle.”  What followed blew me away.

Epiphanies!

I had nine, count them – nine, epiphanies in the 3 A4 pages of writing that followed.  It was one per paragraph at one point!

Going forward

This is what I’ve been looking for in my practice.  A way to access understanding around an area.  It’s taken me a long time to be able to get the different pieces in place:

• a real intention that I’m focussed on with emotion
• a strong practice that challenges me (I did Levels 3, 4 and half of 5)
• an understanding of when I’ve reached the point to stop (brain fog just starting to really kick in – before I’ve pushed through this and totally flatlined my brain for no extra benefits)
• being able to listen to my thoughts in meditation afterwards
• following my intuition within the meditation practice, not just going for silence but hearing the message
• knowing when to follow that message into my journaling
• feeling comfortable in how to journal and record the thoughts that come to me in a safe way, knowing which routes are dead ends and which are the path to follow

I feel like I’ve reached the next level up after plateauing for so long.  I was truly skeptical I could go any further – I’m so grateful that I’ve gave it one more try!

I’ve been doing level 1, 2, 3 & 4 (ish-maybe) with legs raised but not really getting that <erk> moment that is the so-called Epiphany Generator!

So what am I doing wrong?

I’m not sure at the moment.  I’ve a couple of inklings, around focus/intention, or about trying other ideas to make things harder (I’ve tried Level 1 with colours, but not the higher ones) so I’m going to look through the notes I got from Havi’s Starter Kit again and see if anything there sparks up some ideas.

I still don’t feel like I’ve shaken the intention to ‘learn’ Shiva Nata, which is the nice way of saying ‘master’ it.  Which since it makes Havi laugh so hard she starts coughing, I know isn’t going to work.

Still, I can do the moves, but it’s feeling a bit hollow – not got the substance in there (plus, yuck, I don’t want to suddenly find myself going back to Level 1 because I did it all wrong!)

Well, whatever happens, I’ll try and write about it a bit more – if nothing else it will help me to remain a bit more mindful with my practice.

Hugs to all my fellow Shivanauts,

James

Whilst Level 3 is where I’m pushing myself at the moment, I like to mix in a little Level 1 and 2 at top speed to see how I do.  Since I realised recently that Level 3 was not causing me complete havoc any more I thought I would have a go at doing it at speed.

Gah!

This was tricky.  The difficulty however was less to do with the movement itself (though at speed I did get lost many, many times) but in keeping up the speed.  Whenever I wasn’t sure what was next I found it nearly impossible to make a move that I wasn’t confident in.  Rather than keep going, even if I knew I’d mucked it up, I would freeze until I had worked out what the next move was.

What can I do when things go wrong?

Part of me thinks that this isn’t really a problem.  I can go as fast as possible and get frozen every so often and it will still be more taxing that going through it slowly.  I do get some moments where I’m able to flow through a tricky situation and others where repeating it on the same side and/or then repeating on the opposite side makes the pattern clearer and I can see it in my mind more clearly.

However, I had originally been aiming to keep up the pace and just go wrong if I went wrong, and that didn’t work.  Rather than just move my arms and keep going, even though I was very confident that I had gone wrong and would therefore need to repeat this section, my arms would just freeze, if only for a second, until I worked out the next move.  I’m wondering if this is where using the DVD would be useful – since I can jump back in by following the DVD when I freeze and just skip where I get stuck for now, repeating this over and over until I get stuck less often.

On my own though, I know that I’m able to go back and repeat and repeat as much as I like an area that catches me up until I feel like I’ve at least got a better grasp of it and then move on (I don’t want to spend hours waving my arms around – they start to ache after a while).

Anything over Level 3 and the DVD won’t be available anyway.  But presumably the keep-pushing method is what happens in a class environment.  So what do you reckon – is it better to immediately stop and work it out or try and keep pushing through?

I haven’t had much to write about the last couple of weeks because I’ve had an extended break from Shiva Nata for a fortnight [Edit: actually, it's more like 3 weeks!].  It wasn’t just Dance of Shiva I was stopping either, it was a number of activities, because I’ve been feeling low on energy and tired and, frankly, Shiva Nata is very tiring as a regular practice!

Resting up

I will admit to totally underestimating how much work it would be.  It’s not the physical effort, since that takes just a few hours physical rest to recover, nor the mental effort of working it all out, since that too requires just a short rest in order for me to feel alert and ready again.  It seems that the brain building work involved however was having an intense effect.

Now my slump co-incides with Winter really kicking in here as well, so I’m not about to attribute it all to Shiva Nata, but I have found that it was one of the first things to go as it is so energy intensive to practice.

Building up slowly

Today was the first day that I felt like doing some again after having decided last Thursday to give myself permission to really cut back and recover from this funk I’ve been in for a few weeks.  This time, I’m planning to go a little slower, just to see if I can be aware of the impact it has on my energy levels.

What are your experiences?

I’m wondering if this feeling of energy drain is something that others have experienced with Shiva Nata, and whether this means that others have reduced their practice or stopped altogether.  What do you think?

I had a bit of a ‘grey’ day today.  I didn’t really feel like I was getting anywhere with anything.  I am lucky enough to have a group of friends that get together to talk and help each other out on Wednesday evenings and was able to share how I was feeling.  They gave me some perspective but I was still feeling low.

[I'm thinking that this might be a warning sign that some serious epiphanies are building up and about to burst!  I wonder if there's a smoother way to deal with that?]

So I listened to one of Havi’s Emergency Calming Technique recordings, and was able to shift my mindset but I was still not feeling energetic or productive (my energies were being stored up for the ‘big showdown’!)  So I whittled the evening away on Twitter, RSS and email.

The thought that triggered it happened just as you were about to go to bed

I was listening to a meditation at 3am and realised that I had fallen asleep twice during it, so I decided that perhaps now was a good time to go to bed.  As I shut everything down and got ready to go upstairs, I set my alarm for yoga the next day when suddenly…

It came when you weren’t looking for it

I had the most tiny, innocuous thought creep into my brain.  No lead up in my mental chit-chat.  It just bounced in, as some ideas do, so I went to quickly jot it down before going to bed.  Only this quick thought suddenly turned out to be a bit bigger – so I got a plain sheet of paper and got ready to scribble.  Only it suddenly reminded me of some other stuff I had read, so I went and go that back up on the computer.  Finally, I’ve joined a few dots in my head and I start to scribble some of the basics onto my sheet of paper.

Your pen can’t keep up with your brain

It doesn’t take long for the A4 sheet to get full, and there’s little arrows and circling and stars and exclamation marks.  I realise I’m going to need a bigger boat piece of paper and settle into my comfy chair to scribble some more.

(Almost) all the different ideas that crop up just fit together perfectly

This flow of ideas just keeps coming, I ponder on one area for a little while, jot some thoughts and suddenly connections to lots of other areas are shouting at me: “Look!  See this?  Isn’t it obvious?!”  A couple of trains of thought feel a little bit like wishful 4am thinking, but I’m pretty much on fire right now, so I’m able to spot those, check them out and weed them out appropriately.  Or at least, I hope so – I may feel completely differently once I’ve actually slept which is why I’m writing this now.  I can’t back out and pretend it didn’t happen tomorrow if I’ve told you all about it!

You’re still going at 6.30am

So it’s hit 6.30 am, and I can hear an alarm clock going off (not mine) and I’m starting to think that astanga yoga in 4 hours may be pushing it.  The idea seems to have finally worked it’s way out (complete with a points scoring system, a flow chart diagram, ordered categories and a set of next steps) and everything feels like it’s starting to slow down from warp speed.

You happen to have clicked with that bit you were struggling with that morning

Oh yeah, did I mention…I managed to work through the Level 3 arms this morning without having to sound them out (more to follow on this after I’ve slept!).  It just started to make sense today…

A conversation in my head

Me: Oh yes! I’m just starting to see the patterns and everything and wow I did that whole round (i.e. from one starting position – wonder off – get back ok – 16 positions in total) without getting stuck.  Yippee!

Voice of Havi (i.e. me when I’m honest): Oh, well done.  Now you get to do something harder!

Me: But…! But I’ve not really finished this one yet, I mean it’s starting to make sense, but I’m not whizzing through it all easily yet.

Voice of Havi: Ah, yes.  But you know that if you keep doing this now it’ll just be training muscles, not the brain.

Me: I don’t know that! It *might* be.

Voice of Havi: Uh, no!  In just the few weeks you’ve been doing it you’ve seen how the results became purely physical (fluidity of movement, muscle memory of the movements, building up speed) when you got past the hurdle and started to understand the process.  Remember, it’s not a piece of choreography you’re trying to learn here.  Change it up when you start to get to that point.

Me: But…! But I want to feel good whizzing my arms around and feeling smug.

Voice of Havi: I know, and that’s ok.  You’re allowed to feel that way.  Just remember that you’re not getting the results you want when you do that.

Me: Awwwww, I don’t want to.  That’s no fun…

Voice of Havi: …

Me: Oh, ok.  So I know that it’s even more fun when I get epiphanies and stuff.  Though sometimes I need a break from new ones.  Then I can focus on the physical side of it and be all “Yey, look at me!”  For a little while.

Me: I still don’t want to though.  But I’m gonna try being ok with that.  Not feeling guilty about it.  Just noticing it.  And then I’m going to do a bit of a practice, maybe just a little bit more of the same, as a pressie to myself for being all notice-y and non-guilt-pushing.  Yay me!

Me: Say.  Was that just an epiphany?!

Having made it through Level 3 arms I’m now working on being able to do it with greater speed and fluidity (rather than with lots of pausing and umming!)

However, the golden rule of Shiva Nata is “it has to be difficult to work”.  So rather than simply work on getting from a 4 out of 10 to an 8 out of 10, I figured that maybe I should try something completely different with a lower level to challenge myself in a completely new way!

Reminding myself it’s a practice

This is a totally new way of doing things for me.  I normally like to obsess until I master something and then celebrate by showing off to my friends and feeling good about myself.  And to be honest I’ll probably do both of these anyway (heck, I did promise a video at some point – I just need to get over the whole perfectionism thing with it – all encouragement welcome!)

Anyway, the idea here is for me to work on always aiming for a goal, by constantly reminding myself that it’s a practice, with infinite variations, that I will never finish but will keep doing anyway.  This ties in big with my current personal development theme.

Masochism FTW!

So, to make things harder for myself (so as to stimulate deconstruction and reconstruction) I decided to try the idea of replacing the numbers with colours and saying them out loud!  I chose Red, Yellow, Green and Blue because they’re separate, bold colours in my mind – making it easier to ‘see’ the patterns with my mind’s eye.

It was totally worth it too.  I could see new patterns emerging from Level 2 that I hadn’t noticed, or at least taken notice of, before.  And there was no way I was doing it with the legs either – so I have another thing to try next time!

I’ve had a lot of practice at masochism…

I’m a dancer – I have various horror stories about pushing through pain barriers and exhaustion in order to perform & rehearse.  It seems that being able to happily take risks and make things harder (in a controlled manner) on a physical plane can translate to doing the same on a mental level.

Of course, no-one is always willing to do it, everyone has times that they want to just lie down and relax – but given that it’s generally considered a good idea to play on your strengths to support your weaknesses (oh my gosh – I’m doing yoga talk! Havi, what have you done to me?!) I figured that I would let my years of dance lessons help support my brain training now!

Going backwards?

I actually did the Level 3 arms as well (or at least as far as I could get with them today) because I don’t want to feel like I’ve ‘slipped back’ into Level 2.  See above about still working on my need to master vs being in the practice.  I don’t see this is a problem, it just meant that I took longer with it all, but at the moment I’m lucky to have time on my side (and know it – when I’m not freaking out).

What do you think?  Is doing a different version of Level 2 a step backwards?  Should I just be pushing myself harder with Level 3 to make it difficult?

I’m starting to see the path that Havi describes where you go from:

1. I’ve no idea what the heck is happening here; to
2. Oh, that seems kind familiar, I can kinda see some little structures here and there; to
3. Ahh, I think I’ve maybe got it – it’s either this, or this, or this, but yeah I can see patterns; to
4. Ah-ha!  I’ve got it.  La la la la la, this is so easy! (Well, ok, maybe not easy, but…hey, stop raining on my parade!)

I’m now on step 2.  Of Level 3.  Arms only.  *sigh*

Still, it’s about being in the process, so it’s ok that I want to get through it faster, so long as I keep going even though I’m going slo-o-o-o-o-o-owly!  (And yes, I’m aware that others may think I’m racing through, but to me it feels slow – cause that’s my stuff and I’m working through it!)

There is one thought at the back of mind, it’s a hope.  It’s hoping that before I get to Level 7 and feel like I have got to grips with that, I will have worked through my desire to ‘master’ the Dance of Shiva.  That I will have dissolved that pattern and be able to therefore continue my learning with the dance without getting despondent about not reaching the mythical Level 8.  Cause right now, you just know what I’m aiming for, right?